Everyone’s been asking me this, so I figured a little kitchen renovation round-up was in order for you guys.  If you bore witness to our basement renovation, you may remember that I was in my third trimester with the littlest monster and then home on maternity leave for the duration of the project, and it was Not Good.  I may or may not have threatened to kill the plumber when he woke up the baby a few times.  But this project was different.  This project was Not So Bad, probably because now that I’ve raised toddlers, my level of tolerance for mess and noise is much higher.  In fact, if you’ve ever raised or lived with toddlers, well, then, you are totally ready for a kitchen renovation, because it’s basically the same thing:

1. Loud, destructive monsters that get up too early will invade your house. Every day.  And they won’t go away.  And they’re constantly banging on things and hollering at each other and dropping stuff so suddenly that you develop PTSD while the situation is in progress.  As with toddlers, you need to find a good hiding place, or get out of the house as early as possible.

2. They will make a huge mess, always, everywhere. Muddy boot footprints appear, even when it hasn’t rained in weeks.  The other day, I found plaster inside a sealed box of Triscuits.  The trash situation at our house got so nasty that we’ve actually started to name the raccoons that come to visit.  (Say hi to Albert the next time you walk by!)  As with toddlers, you will try desperately to contain the mess in certain zones, but probably fail and just have to throw a bunch of stuff out.

3. So. Many. Questions. Except instead of, “Who invented air?  Why is blue?  Is Abraham Lincoln older than Grandpa?  Can I drink beer when I’m an adult, too?,” it’s “Where do you want this electrical outlet?  Do you prefer the Arctic White or the Polar White paint?  Do you want this hook at 4 feet or 4 feet, .2 inches high?”  As with toddlers, keep it simple and don’t overthink it.  The devil is not in the details – the devil is the person in the house asking you unending questions, so just answer a few and then head back to that hiding place and hope they get distracted.

4. Well-balanced, family dinners are out of the question. It’s too messy and loud and disorganized.  So, everyone eats too many hotdogs for a few months.  Guess what?  Nobody ever died from eating too many hot dogs.  I mean, that Black Widow woman was like our family mascot for a while there.  As with toddlers, rely on your village to throw some nutritious meals at you out of sympathy every once in a while (shout out, generous neighbors, you know who you are!!!), and otherwise, embrace the takeout.

5. 4 o’clock is the new 5 o’clock. Or 3:30… or 3:15…  We don’t judge on upper Randlett, and it doesn’t take a kitchen to serve up cheese and crackers and booze. As with toddlers, a little of Silver Lake Liquors’ finest offerings flowing at the end of the day sure makes the mess and noise and questions a lot more tolerable.  Administer as needed.

All in all, a little patience and acceptance of the circumstances goes a long when you’re dealing with any renovation.  This project was better than expected, and I have to credit Pete and his crew for that.  They were reliable and considerate and hooked us up with a great kitchen on time and on budget.  So, if you’re thinking about having some work done, give them a call for a quote.  If you’re thinking about adding some toddlers to your household, well…good luck to you…and feel free to stop by my kitchen any time after 3 for a drink.