Slow morning at real estate HQ. Slow Scott noticed that 316-320 Wellesley St in Weston just came on the market for $17.750M. Monster of a house with 7 beds/7 full & 4 half baths. Tennis court, pool, guest house and some other stuff.

Saw this house when it was first built and I was young lad new to the real estate game in 2002. You might be thinking who builds a 20,000 sq/ft house? Must be somebody important right? Like a captain of industry or something?

Negative you guys. Dude was a dentist. Actually saw him roll up to The Old Ritz in Boston for cocktails one night in a yellow Ferrari. Tossed his keys to the valet and told him keep it up front. Trying to be a boss. Except the keys landed nowhere near the valet and he was like WTF?

So Slow Scott and I are gonna have some fun with the floorplan. Because this is possibly the funniest house ever built.

The foyer: all marble and over 40′ long with 2 floating staircases.

RP.com: When I get home, the kids usually run over and give me a hug. If we lived here and they were in the living room, they would be about 100′ away. They’re kids, not 800M champs. They’d be gassed by the time they made it to me. Think Management would walk over and give me a kiss? Forget it. We’d get half way to each other be like F it.

Slow Scott: Not a foyer guy…never have been and never will be a foyer guy. The nice thing about this property is you never have to go through the foyer because there are 11 other ways into this monstrosity.

The living room: over 1,500 sq/ft. 3 area rugs not included in sale.

RP: Anybody have binoculars? Think I see a fireplace over there. That’s probably like a 90″ TV but still not big enough in this room. Oh and good luck trying to get the TV remote to work from 48′ away.

SS: Don’t even think Uncle Rico circa ’82 could have thrown a pigskin from one end of the living room to the other.

The music library: gigantic room located at the far wing of the house.

RP: This room has not seen human life since 2002.

SS: Music/Library room might be the most intelligent part of this architectural ruination. First things first if you want to crack a book you don’t need to do so in this room. There is plenty of other square footage for that. So let’s aptly name this the “Jam Sesh Room”. It is strategically located a quarter mile away from the family room and dining room so you know you can crank the amps to 11 and not disturb anyone.

The master suite: has 3,100 sq/ft of space and is bigger than my house.

RP: If you get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, you will need military grade night vision and GPS to get there. Bathroom is 75′ away. I would recommend going via the sitting room. Possibly even taking the elevator to the 1st floor half bath.

SS: The master suite really brings the whole house together. It is in your face excessive from the 640 sf. sitting room (which nicely complements the other 640 sf. sitting room) to the 500 sf. closet. The bathroom is killer with the whirlpool just plunked right in the middle.

However, like the rest of the house the master suite is not without its flaws. The elevator shaft is located way to close to the master bedroom. This is not new construction so unless someone has hit that thing with some WD-40 we have a potentially loud shaft. Believe me the last thing you want is to be woken up by a roaring shaft in the middle of the night.

Nameless room: 2nd floor

RP: Actually can sympathize with the floorplan guy here. Must have hit this room last with the tank on E. I mean there’s no gym or media room in this house. Could have labeled this room either but said F it instead.

SS: The room with no name is an immediate attention getter when looking at the floor plan and has a striking resemblance to the “Tea” and “Crafts” rooms. My guess is they just ran out of names. Personally I am a coffee guy so I would make this the “Coffee Room.”