So now that I’m a member of the press, I had to get an assistant. I mean I work downtown and am terribly important. Kelly used to work downtown, so she can appreciate the pressure that I’m under. I gotta show $5 million dollar condos. Take my boy Slow Scott — the work bro that failed the Mensa quiz — to lunch. Read ESPN.com on my phone. High level stuff you guys.

Plus I have the 2016 Show House next Wednesday. Kelly is gonna bring a notepad and camera. I can’t be bothered with that stuff. I need my hands free so I can give people the thumbs up or adjust my lanyard that only people in the press wear.

Does Kelly even get a lanyard? I don’t know if assistants do or not. I mean she’ll probably already have a giant camera around her neck so maybe no lanyard this year?

A little more about Kelly: married, kids, 02465 girl. Knows real estate, probably knows design stuff too. Really hoping she doesn’t sass me next week in front of the Show House people. That’s the last shit I need — these people are my contemporaries.